Ha, Mike TV!  You may have forgotten, I don’t own anything powered by “electricity,” since I fear technology.  Except my phone, which has a camera in it.  And, obviously, giant robots are an exception.  So while you were mucking about on Earth (which is clearly for losers), having tea and finger sandwiches with girly polarity, I have hatched my most nefarious plot yet!  By hijacking the planet’s entire satellite network, I have managed to implement my Space Laser Project!  At 3:00 PST, with the push of a single button, I will (from space, sucka!) unleash a barrage of lasers which will turn all the world’s kittens into swarms of killer bees!  While the people of this benighted planet are realizing that they’re trying to feed tuna to millions of angry, stinging insects, I will use the ensuing chaos to rob a liquor store! And the confused, swollen people of Earth will be powerless to stop me!

I am just now realizing, however, that this one may need a rethink.  It’s not really much of an inconvenience to you, since Sarah’s cat already very closely resembles a swarm of killer bees.  Hmm.  Let me get back to you on this one.  It… It really hasn’t been a very good week.  Maybe I can, like, control weather patterns instead.  Or something.  I dunno.

–Eric