Ha, you fell for my clever ruse and sent your cow army to my fake secret lair!  I was a little worried that maybe a huge billboard that said “Eric’s Secret Lair” with a big red arrow pointing to it was sort of a giveaway, but the cows were in paroxysms of teriyaki and didn’t think too hard about it.  And they are in for a fitting and unpleasant surprise.

I’m sure you’ve discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain (presently I’m writing the definitive work on the subject).  To this end, the fate I have planned for your flatulent cows is the most painful and insulting thing that can be done to them.  Right about now, they’re probably bumbling right into my pit of hot oil.  Yes, I’m having your cows chicken-fried!  And as you know, the most grievous insult one can do to a type of meat is to cook it in the style of a different type of meat!  Poultry, of course, being the lowest and most degraded rung on the meat ladder (Note to self: remove stairs in real secret lair, replace with meat ladders).  And once the hapless teriyaki gas-cows are chicken-fried to Floridian perfection, they will find themselves trapped forever in the Cave of Mashed Potatoes and Honey-Glazed Carrots!  My minions in the Evil division of Marie Callendar’s have served me well.

Of course, your careless assault cannot go unanswered, you son of a motherless goat.  At this very minute, squadrons of fighter planes are headed to your secluded bay-area TV Mansion to coat it in a delicious smoked gouda cheese sauce.  Goodbye for now… If you can! Hahahahahahaha!  Wait, that didn’t make sense.

–Eric