Posts Tagged ‘Chia Pet’

Actually, you bloated pustule of rotting malodorousness, I actually quite liked the kittens to bumblebees plan. I’m not afraid to admit it when someone has a great idea. Like pet rocks. The guy that came up with that idea was a genius. Sell me a pet that I don’t have to feed? Or pet? Or cuddle? And I can use it to stone the local adulterers? And demolish the windows of the noisy neighbors? And it keeps my papers from floating away? Color me there! Not that I’m saying your kittens-to-bumblebee plan had the same merits as the pet rock, or hell, even the Chia Pet, it certainly was pretty damn cool. So kudos, you festering wound on a chimpanzee’s ass!

But you made a fatal error, my friend. You should well know that you never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Not that I’m actually Sicilian. But I do like Italian food. Most particularly foods served on red and white checked table cloths. But I digress. You have made a fatal error. By flavoring your lasers in teriyaki (a delicious but horribly fattening idea. I mean, really, do you realize that you’ve increased the caloric intake of one blast of your laser by 1000%) you have sealed your fate. Mostly because the aforementioned cows are drawn inexorably to teriyaki flavoring. It’s like an all-you-can-eat-buffet to an over-eater. Trust me. You think humans came up with the idea of soaking cows flesh in teriyaki? Hell no. It was the cows. They love the stuff. Makes their skin smooth, supple, and delicious.

I suspect you can hear them right now. Or, if not, you can feel the rumble of their hooves on the pavement as they descend, like a great cow-ey tsunami, on your secret lair. Oh, and it’s a good thing that you’ve got your gas mask because cow digestion doesn’t work so hot and I bet they’re still processing that gassy stew we made for them a couple days ago. Pee-yew! Good luck getting out of this one, you miserable vomitous mass!

Warm Regards,

Mike TV