Posts Tagged ‘shit sandwich’

Thanks to my well-placed sources, well-connected minions, and network of informants, I was able to find something very very interesting.  It’s an assignment Michael Bay did in his freshman English class in high school, and seems to be a sequel to the poem “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird” by Wallace Stevens.  It’s…well, I’ll just let the man’s work speak for itself.

Thirteen More Totally Kickass Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

by Michael Bay, age 15

I.

Among seven thousand mountains,

The only thing moving

Is the eye of a blackbird

On the scope of a sniper rifle.

II.

It squeezed the trigger

And somebody’s head totally exploded

Like overripe steak.

(Steak is way more kickass than a melon)

III.

Holy shit!

That blackbird over there

Totally just blew up!

IV.

A man and a woman

Are totally having sex.

A blackbird is watching

And really getting into it.

V.

Then the man and woman

Both explode (not like a metaphor).

It was the blackbird!

Boobs fly everywhere.

VI.

We’re gonna need to bring in

Jake Rocketgun–

The world’s leading expert

On blackbirds and explosions.

VII.

A bunch of blackbirds

Fly in super-slow-motion.

Are they robots?

(Yes, they are robots)

VIII.

We know

The blackbird robots are involved

With the gun explosion shootings

And the blowing up of the

England White House

(Is it called something else?  I don’t want to look it up.)

IX.

When the blackbird flew out of sight,

Everybody knew it would soon be back

With millions of other blackbirds

To kill everybody in the universe.

X.

At the sight of blackbirds,

Jake Rocketgun would get totally pissed off

And shoot everything.

Also, there’s a really hot chick with cleavage.

XI.

Car chase!

With blackbirds.

XII.

Shooting!  Guns!

Explosions!  Boobs!

Everything gets totally rad all at once.

XIII.

The blackbirds are gone for now…

But they will be back.

(Explosion!  And then end credits)

OK, I’m pretty sure the Venn diagram of 1) People who visit this site, 2) People who read my posts, and 3) People familiar with Wallace Stevens basically looks like this:

O                      O

O

But maybe I’m wrong.

–Eric