Archive for the ‘Upcoming Shows’ Category

                         Anyone who thinks something cool will happen when you die is stupid. Have you ever seen a dead person. They don’t look like they are having to much fun to me. 

                        Anyone who claims to have ever seen a ghost you can pretty much walk away from mid sentence. Usually this is prompted by something like “oh I’ve seen things”. At this point you can pretty much assume this person is dumb and a liar and thinks you are dumb enough to listen.

                         Past lives now we have dumb liar and in need of major attention. These pricks will sit themselves down in front of a crystal ball and milk the parent of a dead child for every dime they have while giving them reason not to heal.  The only thing about this that keeps me from loosing my mind is that the people giving the money to the “gifted ” people are pretty much at the bottom of the IQ food chain.

                               Anyone who says Ringo wasn’t a good drummer.

                        Shmed.

                 So I woke up the other day and decided I want to be anorexic. I have so much respect for those people. Plus it looks so fun to watch your self wither away. I mean If my problems could be solved with a bong rip and a double cheese burger it would be hard to have them. I used my smoking policy of just taking 1 drag when I want one to having 1 bite of food.

                        Then my friend who’s diner shut down gave me about 200 eggs. This is a problem because as much as I have a dream of wasting away like karen carpenter I’m also cheap and want to save money. I will eat all those eggs and then become anorexic.

    Shmed.

                  Once I was sitting in my grandparents camper at the beach and they said ” would you like whipped cream on your pie” I said sure.

                            I took one bite and it was spoiled, I said this is spoiled, they said no its not. I said taste it they did and both agreed it was fine so I ate it. It was terrible.

                  Then about 10 minutes later my grand mother asked for some whipped cream for her pie and I gave it to her. Then she spit it out and got mad and my grand father said “that was a dirty trick to play on your grandmother”.

                   Still to this day it bothers me that he would think I would do that on purpose.

    Shmed

You can kill a fly and nobody cares but not a seal.

           I guess size and cuteness are major factors.

Size because look at the blue whale vrs. bakteria . Cuteness because look at baby seals compared to sharks. So how can we blur these lines, well.

                  What if you had a huge wall projector that displayed a black widow about 30 long and then you stuck pins in him all the time and you could have a microphone hooked up to hear her screaming. Or if you made baby chicks wear little Dave mathews t shirts. In that case I would feel bad for the spider and probably had a very short kick boxing match with the chicks.

      Shmed.

I’d keep him in a box. And I’d take him out on holidays and make him perform. “Perform, damn you! Perform!” And I’d whip him brutally. And everyone would laugh. *sigh* Too bad I don’t have a Secret Power.

          Like what if you have a pet tarantula that you let crawl on your balls while your watching wheel of fortune. Or if you had a pet octopus and you  dressed him in tight under pants (sexy) under pants and then you stuck his beak on your nipple and watched porky’s.

                            Or what if you took an earth worm fitted him with a tiny strap on and then kept him in one of those see through plastic eggs from a toy dispenser then kept it in the crack of your ass. Or what if you had a pet owl and you got him drunk and then when he was passed out you took pictures of the two of you getting your nipples pierced and then slow dancing.

                Or what if you had a pet star fish and you gave him a lap dance after blowing pot smoke in the middle of his star. Or what if you had pet duck and you just jizzed all over his webbed feet while he was sleeping but then cleaned it up before he woke up.

                       I really don’t feel guilty about any of this stuff.

    Shmed.

               I would go forward all the time and give myself bj’s. I would wear wacky wigs and make a special effort to look and smell nice for myself like a silver afro spock ears and maybe the sent of a freshly squeezed beet juice. In fact I would probably take the time to wake my self each morning this way. I would start with my 55 year self so I had something to look forward to.

                        And if when I got there I was already there giving myself a bj well then damnit i’d give that me a bj while he’s working. I’d also probably suprise myself quite a bit in boring places like weddings and bus stops.  I could probably hit 15 days in the future in one present day. It would get to the point where the other me is waiting for the working me pretty much all the time. I probably wouldn’t visit the really old gross me. I think I would probably make some kind of paradox where two old gross me’s took care of each other simotaniously for eternity . If those two old gross 69ing me’s got board they could also probably sing two of us by the beatles through the sides of there mouths.

      Shmed.

               Eating dead bodies is good for you. Like eating eyes is good for your eyes. Like if you eat nothing but eyes for a few months your eyes get bigger. Which is why you don’t want to eat a ton of noses and ears. I was at the serial killer’s farmers market the other day and had a really amazing stuffed ball sack. 

                       Shmed.

                             If I could be on the show heroes my power would be that everybody likes me. My character would first be shown in a mansion with a whole bunch of people laughing, hugging me listening to me play songs. Then everytime I went to the bathroom someone would stop me on the way to tell me how much I really mean to them. I would be hugging everybody all the time and making food in there kitchens and borrowing there cars. 

                               I would stop villains by asking them to go to the movies with me. Stop wars by turning them into free outside concerts where we sing elo songs with an orchestra. I would make the bad guys take long solos on drums and guitar until they forgot what they were going to blow up. I think my name would be” bro man “. The bad guys would later say ” next time you wont have bro man there to make me listen to weird al and play hacky sack”.

     shmed.

Testing  1,2,…3 .  Uh … nice practice last night.  Practicing at
Farleys feels like what I might expect bandcamp to be like.